Approaching a Threshold

 For a New Beginning - by John O’Donohue

In out-of-the-way places of the heart,

Where your thoughts never think to wander,

This beginning has been quietly forming,

Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

For a long time it has watched your desire,

Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,

Noticing how you willed yourself on,

Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

It watched you play with the seduction of safety

And the gray promises that sameness whispered,

Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,

Wondered would you always live like this.

Then the delight, when your courage kindled,

And out you stepped onto new ground,

Your eyes young again with energy and dream,

A path of plenitude opening before you.

Though your destination is not yet clear

You can trust the promise of this opening;

Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning

That is at one with your life's desire.

Awaken your spirit to adventure;

Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;

Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,

For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

Back in March 2022, Deb shared this with me. Wow - it really couldn’t have been anymore spot on!!!  It feels like virtually every line pertains to me and my experience.  

And from another of his poems, which I'm feeling right now:  

At this threshold

a great complexity of emotion

comes alive:

confusion,

fear,

excitement,

sadness,

hope.

It is interesting and comforting to realize that my feelings/experiences aren’t really that unique to me. 

Decision fatigue

You can see the Carolina Gull paint.  LOVE IT!
You can also see the missing ship lap on the bench here ready for green panels.

This past week or two has been non-stop decisions.  That's good as that means the build is really moving along, but, wow, it's stressful and exhausting!  Thank goodness I have Covid and don't have anything better to do!  😥  (Covid has not been any fun even though it's probably a lot milder than it is for many.)

Everything feels like such a big decision.  I literally deliberated on what sink to use for so many weeks, going back and forth among 4 or so different sinks.  Pretty ridiculous in reality.  Selecting stuff on Amazon is so challenging as the general ratings are high, but then if you read the reviews they can get scary and turn me off.  Every single one has seriously negative reviews, but I just had to decide.  A big challenge is the size of the sink and how that affects the cabinets and I want as big a sink as possible.  This counter is only about 18" deep, so that really limits the sink options.  And the big step that he's building for Zoe to get in and out of the bed, which she may not use at all, created a big challenge for fitting everything in that I want on the sink side of the van.  

Another decision I've thought about for months is the material for the bench cushion.  I finally decided on the cushion material and went for a bold look that I think will go great with the green.  I was going to go with a denim blue, but it felt so safe and boring.  Of course I could just jazz it up with cushions, but I'm excited for this.  I haven't seen the fabric in person, so I really hope I like it!!  

Thankfully I had decided on the Carolina Gull months ago - not to say I never waffled, but this was definitely the right color.  I was looking at Evergreen Fog, but wanted something a little darker, a little more gray.  When my friend Beth was visiting, I showed her this and she shared photos of her bedroom that was Carolina Gull.  I loved it and picked up a paint chip and it was just the ticket!!!  And then I was visiting Deb and commented on the color of her house and she said "it's Carolina ...."  And I said "GULL!"  This color is just speaking to me, so I know I'm going to love it!

I second guess myself all the time thinking maybe I should have made one decision over another.  I can't wait until I don't have anymore decisions to make (oh, right, van life is decision fatigue on steroids and on a daily basis...).  We're getting close!  

Excited yet Anxious

 

Cabinet framing!  

As the completion of the van is getting closer, by the end of August, which will fly by, I'm getting more anxious.  Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to!  I'm excited to experience cool things, see beautiful places, meet people along the way, learn as I go, and travel without having to pack up at every change.  But the anxious part is real.  

• Right now - Making the right decisions that I will end up being happy with.  There are so many details and one thing depends on another.  Also, what have I not detailed out in my criteria???  Today, the builder had posted a video and he said that the bench was going to get the shiplap on the front.  Yikes!  That is not what I want.  When I told him that I was expecting the front to look like the cabinets instead of the walls, he told me it was already done.  At first I thought I was stuck with it, but he thought more about it and decided he could do what I am looking for.  Phew!  It wouldn't be the end of the world, but I'm glad he was willing/able to modify it.  So, what else haven't I defined?  Or he has a different picture in his mind than I do?  
• Finding places to sleep.  I don't want to over plan and ideally want to not pay for camping as much as possible.  I want to see where the spirit takes me and be open to doing whatever comes up.  If I have too many reservations, that won't be easy.  I'm thinking I'll use Harvest Hosts/Boondockers welcome fairly often, but many don't allow for same day reservations.  I definitely want to minimize Walmart type accommodations.  I'll figure it out.
• Figuring out what to do/where to go.  I definitely have some things I want to see/places to go, but I don't have a goal like being in all 50 states in the next year, or going to every national park, or hit every lighthouse, etc.  I am just thinking that I'll have a few places to go and make plans along the way.  I get anxious that I'll be aimless and bored.  I may be at times, but I'll figure it out.
• Where to get water.  By looking at the apps that give this information, it doesn't seem like it will be that easy to get water.  I'll figure it out.
• Running out of power.  I have no idea how long the power will last and how well it will recharge in different conditions.  I will figure it out.
• What to do with Zoe when I want to do something.  Will I be able to do what I want and leave Zoe in the van?  How comfortable will I be doing that?  I plan to have a temp monitor that will message me/I can check in on, but that will only work if the van and I have service.  How limiting will having an old dog be?  I will figure it out.
• Will I go stir crazy in my little space?  Will I be comfortable?  The bed should be comfortable and I'll have the bench for sitting on, but there isn't like a comfy couch to curl up on and watch a movie.  I wonder how often I'll want to get an Airbnb/hotel for the night...  
• Cell service.  I won't have cell service everywhere.  I have a road atlas (Thank you, Tess!), but everything is so small!!!  I can totally see myself getting lost.  One saving grace is downloading maps on google maps.  That is totally awesome and will be a life saver I'm sure.
• Weight/space.  I want to be aware of what I'm carrying as there is a weight and of course weight limit in the van.  I keep thinking of things I think I'll want/need, but I'm trying hard to not order things that I don't absolutely need at the start.  This can be HARD!
• etc.

I recently listened to a podcast which talked about the things the hosts hate about vanlife.  This is great as they are just countering all the unrealistic Instagram photos, making it seem like it's total bliss.  And with the sexy young women in barely there bikinis cooking breakfast in the most beautiful spot that they probably drove to in the morning for the photo shoot.  So, it's good that they share the challenges to make it more realistic, but right now I probably shouldn't listen to these.  I already know that it's not unicorns and roses all the time!  And I'm doing it, so I'll figure each item out to the best of my ability.

Picking up the completed van:  I don't have an actual delivery date yet, but supposedly by the end of the month.  Sue, my ride, is going to be away from 8/18-8/31 and then we have labor day weekend, and she leaves again on 9/7.  So, I have a small window to pick up the van.  I tried to figure out how to get to it via public transportation, but that will take forever.  I'll get it sooner or later!